Blur Witch Project
by Simply Vince
Summary: A spoof on Blair Witch Project :


EXT. HOUSING AREA, MORNING

JOE

So sir, do you believe that the Blur Witch exists?

MAN

Exists?? Of course she EXISTS!... she STOLE MY DAMN CHICKENS!

LADY

But honey, we don't have any chickens.

MAN

That's because that bastard witch stole them!

EXT. HOUSING AREA, MORNING

Vince and Joe then approaches an old man who has his glasses resting on his head.

VINCE

Excuse me sir... I was wondering if you believe in the Blur Witch?

OLD MAN

Of course I do!

VINCE

How come, sir?

OLD MAN

She stole my glasses!

VINCE

Erm...

OLD MAN

MY SPECIAL glasses too... the ones I use to remember where I put things. Some one should STOP that damned witch.

Vince scratches his head.

EXT. HOUSING AREA, MORNING

JOE

Excuse me madam, but have you heard of the Blur Witch?

OLD LADY

WATCH WHO YOU CALL AN OLD BITCH you little punk! I might be a little deaf but I can read lips!

The old lady then takes out a gun from her shopping cart.

JOE

Run Vince... RUN! SHE'S GOT A GUN!!

Old lady starts firing as Vince and Joe runs as fast as their feet can carry them

EXT. FOREST, AFTERNOON

Vince and Joe run up the hill and stop to catch a breath. Joe then straightens up and takes a deep breath.

JOE

We must therefore conclude

VINCE

(Interupts)

Therefore conclude we must

JOE

That the Blur Witch DOES EXIST!

VINCE

EXIST DOES the Blur Witch

JOE

If you don't stop with the yoda bullshit, I'll cut off your pride and joy Vince...

VINCE

Huh? My hair?

JOE

THINK SOUTH STUPID!

VINCE

Oh… OHHH!!

INT. FOREST, AFTERNOON

Joe and Vince walk into the dark forest.

VINCE

Are you sure you want to find the Blur Witch, Joe?

JOE

Yes... We must help those poor people.

VINCE

But what if we get eaten?

JOE

Don't worry, you have a natural charm against that.

VINCE

Charm?

JOE

Yes.. you smell bad and probably taste worse.

INT. FOREST DEEPER, AFTERNOON

VINCE

We're LOST! I told you we should have brought supplies. No water... No food... We're goners for sure!

JOE

Shut up, we've only been in here for five minutes.

VINCE

I was just practicing. No need to get touchy.

JOE

I swear if the witch doesn't kill you... I WILL!

weird noise echoing

VINCE

LOOK!

JOE

See something??

VINCE

Behind you! It's moving!

JOE

Oh my GOD! It's jumping!

VINCE

It's no bird!

JOE

Its no plane!

VINCE

It's the damn witch!

JOE

Faster than a speeding bullet! RUN!!!!!!!

Joe and Vince run away with the creature in pursuit.

EXT. FOREST, AFTERNOON

Joe is running but suddenly trips and falls. The creature approaches Joe and looks into the camera Joe dropped. Vince stops running to help Joe.

JOE

Please don't eat me like those harmless chickens. I swear I'll never tell the old man about his glasses either.

The creature combs his hair back with his hands and looks like any other 'normal' human... except very messy.

U-JINN

Sank you vely much arr... I lost in heah for neahly a year ah.

Vince and Joe looks at each other with astonishment.

VINCE

The witch speaks English!

JOE

And she... err... he? Is not blur!

U-JINN

Haiya... I is not the blur weech la. I is U Jinn. Many days ago...

VINCE

(Interrupts)

Is this story going to take long? I need to pee.

U-JINN

Shut up and listen la! Many months ago, I is come here with two good friends to find the blur weech.

VINCE

(Interrupts)

Days or months ah?

U-JINN

Shuttup!! I'm telling story la wei... ahem We reach a part of the forest, then POOF! My two friend disappear la! The forest surroundings also suddenly change wan. Then leh, I was lost since that time lor. And then ah, you two monkeys making so much noise I manage to find you lor.

JOE

Vince is the only monkey here.

U-JINN

Yea... True... You too big be monkey la... More like ape.

JOE

What the hell...

VINCE

HAHA... You're funny for a witch.

U-JINN

FIND THE WITCH WE MUST!

Joe kicks U Jinn in the groin.

U-JINN

OUCH! Why you kick my...

JOE

Damn Yoda fan boys...

EXT. FOREST deeper, AFTERNOON

U-JINN

Is near here lah. This where I lost.

VINCE

I wish you would just GET LOST again. This place is creepy.

U-JINN

Shattap la. If ah, I get lost again ah, you also will get lost here also la. Stooopit.

VINCE

I'm not stupid! Tell him Joe!

JOE

Yea. He's just super dumb. Calling him stupid is insulting to stupid people.

VINCE

See! I told you so! Hey... Did... did you see something flash by?

U-JINN

It was probably your tiny brain...

The three look at each other with worried looks on their faces. The face each other back to back and form somewhat a triangle and look around.

Suddenly, a man in a black trench coat jumps out of a bush.

MORPHOEUS

Much noise have you made. The price you will pay!

JOE

Argghh! Yoda again! I feel a blood vessel bursting!

VINCE

Oh my God… who the hell is that?

U-JINN

He must be with the Blur Witch lar! Be careful!

MORPHEOUS

I am Morpheous. And your quest for the Blur Witch STOPS there!

VINCE

Erm... Isn't Morpheous the big black dude with some bad ass weapons?

Morpheous poses with his hand gun and katana. A gust of wind blows which makes the coat rustle. Morpheous then sighs.

MORPHEOUS

Casting problem la...Low budget… Where to find a black guy?

VINCE, U-JINN & JOE

Cehhhhhhh.

MORPHEOUS

Now.. to settle matters once and for all.

Morpheous gently places his weapons and the floor, does a little tai chi thing. The three fall to the ground from Morpheous' martial arts move.

MORPHEOUS

There is no spoon...

VINCE

There's no fork either. What's your point?

MORPHEOUS

Aiya you didn't watch matrix ah? No spoon means no limit to the power we have la. Stupid!

VINCE

I'm not stupid damn it!

U-JINN & JOE

Yea... He's super dumb.

VINCE

Yeah!... looks a little bit to the left and squints Look over there! It's a can!

The three gasps.

BLUR WITCH

I'm not a CAN! I'm the BLUR WITCH! Now... ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!

The Can dances to music.

VINCE

How come Blur Witch got man's voice ah?

BLUR WITCH

I'm a macho witch! So shuttup. Anyway... you will all DIE HERE!

Vince rushes forwards and tears a piece of Morpheous's trench coat.

VINCE

Here Joe! Catch! Use the weapon!

Joe then spreads it open and displays the recycling logo on it. Joe leaps towards the Blur Witch and captures it with the recycling bag.

JOE

Make sure to recycle. Put the right items into the right bins. Save our environment! This is a community message from Kitar semula 

BLUR WITCH

Nooooo!

As soon as Vince hears the voice, he turns around and sees someone.

VINCE

Eh! Who's that guy there with the remote control?!

BLUR WITCH

(slowly hiding behind tree while saying)

Nothing… nothing. Nothing here to see... No no.. Nothing.

JOE

That must be the REAL Blur Witch! Whack him!

As Vince is about to launch an attack. U-Jinn intervenes.

U-JINN

No! No no! Don't whack Ah Pia.

MORPHEOUS

We give up! Don't hurt us.

VINCE

My head hurts. What's going on?

U JINN

Actually... There is no Blur Witch.

VINCE & JOE

What??!!

MORPHEOUS

And my name is Ah Beng not Morpheous.

AH PIA

You're the next chosen ones.

JOE

Chosen for what?

MORPHEOUS

To continue the tradition.

U-JINN

Yes yes. Continue with this tradition. Pretend to be the Blur Witch.

As U Jinn says this, without anyone's knowledge, someone wicked and of evil powers were watching them. She slowly disappears from the scene leaving a trail of her laughter within the forest which frightened the five.

To be continued?

ENDS


End file.
